humbled

“a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become who we could be.”  Bill W. 12 AND 12 pg 58cropped-brilliance.png

Bill Wilson’s definition of humility can be extremely difficult if I try to cover it with my old ideas about being humble.  I don’t want to be weak.  I don’t want to be submissive.  I don’t want to turn the other cheek.  Humility is not the American way.  We are proud, strong, and invincible.  Then I take a look at my flawed condition and my brokenness.  “Yeah, and look where your pride has taken you,” a voice inside says to me.

That inventory which we are guided to do early in recovery can be a very excruciating experience when we go into it honestly with courage.  I shuddered at the list of transgressions and defects which had to be shared later with God and another person.  I did not want anyone to know my deepest, darkest secrets.  Exposing myself like that would shatter the self-image I presented to the world.  “Yeah, and look where that image has taken you.”  Damn that voice inside.

“His admission is the beginning of humility – at least the newcomer is willing to disclaim that he himself is God.”  Bill W. AS BILL SEES IT pg 191, from a letter of 1966

“a clear recognition of what and who we really are….”  Like most newcomers to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had lived a life apart from the concept of God.  Some of us never knew God, some of us refuted the God which we knew.  When my new sober friends advised that initially the group itself could be the greater power necessary to begin me on the road to recovery, I cautiously accepted that idea.  I had no choice.  My way was described as ‘self-will run riot’ and I had to reluctantly agree.

I love Bill Wilson’s connection between Higher Power and humility.  It tells me that I am not in charge, that I am not in control, that I am not God.  And Bill goes on to say “this is the beginning of humility.”  In my active alcoholism, I had never given credence to the thought of not being the master of my life.  It was an alien idea and totally un-American.

I am not God.  When the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous is undertaken with this understanding, the 12 steps are not a daunting, unpleasant experience, especially steps 4 and 5.  I am humbled in a fellowship which advocates honesty and courage.  Sober living becomes second nature because I am no longer forced by ethic or tradition to be the man in charge.  No, I don’t control the miracle happening.  I am still a work in progress.  I am still flawed and broken.  But today I know a Higher Power who can heal and fix me.

“Humble yourselves therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”  1 Peter 5:6

namaste rainbow

 

 

powerless?

cropped-cropped-powerless.png

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.  Really?  I had heard my well-meaning friends who told me to practice controlled drinking just on weekends, I had promised to do better when all in my family said I owed it to them to live soberly, I feared for my job when my boss told me to straighten up or get out. Indeed, I plotted and planned on how to extricate myself from the mess that I called life.  I had the gumption to do it by myself.  Self-help books, jogging, new diet regimen would all be a part of the new Larry.  And now the first thing I hear when I walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is that I am powerless.  Really?

Then they continued by saying that my life was unmanageable.  Powerless and unmanageable!  Never!  But, I stayed in the room to hear more from those people, we read from their “Big Book”, we listened to the reading of the 12 steps, and then, listening to their stories of how it was, what happened and how it is now, I finally admitted that just maybe my life was a wee bit unmanageable, but I was not going to admit that I was powerless.

I didn’t trust them.  In my world the people who did not drink were fringe losers.  They were religious fanatics, goody-two-shoes folks who believed themselves better than me.  They stood on the street corner handing out tracts or knocked on my door wanting to save my soul from hell and damnation.  They went to church on Sundays and Wednesday evening prayer services.  They were always clean-shaven, dressed well and mannerly.  Gaaawd, who wants to be like that?

But, these AAers were different.  They sported beards, ragged blue jeans, long hair, ratty sneakers and they looked at me with an intensity that made me uncomfortable because I knew they could see deep into the ravaged soul that tormented me so badly.  They knew all about me and I had just met them.  I wanted to run.

And they did not drink.  Or at least that is what they told me.  I was sure that probably after the  AA meeting they all got together at the local pub to celebrate sobriety.  In my little world everybody drank.  It was unnatural not to partake of alcohol.  But then they talked about the typical alcoholic.  Do you drink alone?  Do you sneak a drink at work?  Do you spend your family’s grocery money on booze?  Do you do things when drunk that you are ashamed of doing?  Do you have blackouts?  Do you think about suicide?  Does your money never stretch far enough to cover your monthly bills?

Yes, yes, yes……but doesn’t everyone have those same problems?  The smiles on their faces collectively said “no, there is a better way.  But first you must admit that you are powerless over alcohol.”

Me, powerless?  I could admit that possibly my life was somewhat unmanageable.  But I control my destiny, I run the show, I am in charge.  They responded,  “and how are you doing with that?”

“Ouch.  Nailed me.  Maybe I’m not doing such a great job.  Ok, I’ll come back tomorrow night and hear some more of your sobriety talk.”

Then they gave me a list of their phone numbers and invited me to go down with them to the local coffee-house for coffee and donuts.  “Who are these people?” I thought, “Why are they so nice to me?”

That is a brief synopsis of my first contact with Alcoholics Anonymous nearly 37 years ago.  It has been, as a lady confided last night at a meeting, one helluva ride.  Just because I quit drinking does not mean I immediately got fixed.  I am still broken in many areas of my life and I continue to look for healing.  But, I find comfort in knowing that there is a Power that will cover me with understanding and compassion, that there is a Power in presence at the tables of my AA meeting, and today I am perfectly content knowing that “I AM POWERLESS”.smiley 3

 

surveys

CANDLEBill W. in AS BILL SEES IT urges me to “survey the past”.  Step 4 is an integral part of my recovery program which then guides me in subsequent steps to release those deep transgressions, which have darkened my soul, to the Higher Power of my understanding and to another human being.  It is a fundamental process which leads to clearing the past that exists in my mind as a monumental impediment to a joyful and fulfilling future.  This release enables my Higher Power to then use me in the work of recovery and discovery of my divine purpose.

However, it is not a ‘one and done’ deal.  Step 10 then urges me to continue this inventory-taking and promptly clear the slate of any further hindering thoughts, words, and deeds.  It is also means that I should continue surveying my past for those things which had been forgotten or deeply buried within my soul.  This soul-searching is an ongoing endeavor which enhances a “joyful” recovery and frees me of self-loathing and doubt.

What also needs to be realized is that quite often those transgressions, which can be catastrophic in my mind, are usually a mere blip on the screens of victims of my selfishness.  If I were to ask one of them, “Do you remember….”, they would probably reply in the negative or they would have processed that happening and moved onward with life.  Rarely has my indiscretion devastated his/her life.  Even if I have caused extreme hardship or harm to another and their forgiveness is not offered, I have a merciful, steadfast Higher Power which has the amazing capacity to forgive and restore.

It is not a selfish undertaking to view the damage I heaped upon myself physically and emotionally as the ultimate, most important target of my inventories, self-assessment and amends.  Making amends to others is, of course, significant.  However, I am the brokenness that needs to be fixed.  As an alcoholic, I suffered a deep hatred of myself.  It colored every day of my life and every relationship in which I participated.  As a recovering alcoholic, I must see myself as deserving of a loving and compassionate God.  When that happens I can get on with the work of serving in a meaningful way the humanity to which I belong.rainbow-solidarity

 

as “BILL SEES IT”, pg 111

Bill W.

Bill Wilson in his writings often discussed the periods of depression he suffered long after he claimed sobriety:

“When I was tired and couldn’t concentrate, I used to fall back on an affirmation toward life that took the form of simple walking and deep CANDLEbreathing.  I sometimes told myself that I couldn’t even do this – that I was too weak.  But I learned that this was the point at which I could not give in without becoming still more depressed.” Bill Wilson “AS BILL SEES IT” 

It sometimes seems that those of us who face our alcoholism have  battles with depression that defy the serenity and joy we ought to have as recovering addicts.  Those bouts support one of the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous which says that “the drinking is just a symptom of deeper, underlying illness”.  Treating our character defects with the prescribed 12 step program is one pillar of our recovery, but, addressing the emotional baggage we carried with us into sobriety often requires professional counseling and guidance.

As a younger man, jogging was a huge part of my life.  On the trail in my Nikes the pitfalls of life became secondary to my breathing and the cadence of my footsteps.  I was able to center on the inner journey coinciding with my external activity.  The experience of runner’s euphoria was the carrot on the stick, a reason to get my head out of my butt and do something about the lurking depression just waiting to immobilize me.

Physical limitations have retired my running shoes, but I know today, many years into continued sobriety, that the walking/hiking routine is essential to a happy, contented Larry.  The pace has slowed considerably, but the focus on breathing and the “clop, clop” of stepping still carries me to another world.  It is a world of victory over depression.

Much of the AA program seems akin to the “Path” of Buddhism and also the “Way” of Jesus and his followers.  Meditation is advocated by both.  Meditative walking is a new endeavor for me.  It is also an activity focused on breathing and stepping.  The intent is to empty the head of worldly concerns and replace that circus with the beauty of the inner self, the soul.  Repetitive chanting enhances the exercise.  This is a  much slower, deliberate type of walking very suitable to a much slower, deliberate Larry.

With entry into the “golden years” (whoever coined that phrase was undoubtedly drunk or high) the clutches of depression can increase.  Our bodies fail us, our friends leave us through relocation or death, our family ties become weaker.  We feel lost in the loneliness of retirement and many younger folks see us as burdens which they would sooner ignore.  Financial security is a joke; one uncovered medical emergency will wipe us out and scammers are lurking on every website to relieve us of our monetary resources.

I need my walking to stay balanced emotionally and fit physically.  I need my faith to approach the “final stretch” of this QUEST with confidence and joy.  Scripture, the words attributed to Jesus and the Buddha, feed that faith.  In John 16:33 Jesus tells me:

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

smiley 3

 

12 STEPS OF AA

STEP 1 “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”

cropped-cropped-cropped-powerless.png

Step 2 “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Picture1.pngsanity

Step 3 “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood God.”

Picture1.pngwe decided

Step 4 “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Picture1.pnginventory

Step 5 “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Picture1.pngconfession

Step 6 “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Picture1.pngdefects

Step 7 “Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings”

Picture1.pngstep7.png2

Step 8 “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

42

Step 9 “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Picture1.pngstep9

Step 10 “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”

Picture1.pnginventory

Step 11 “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out”

step11

Step 12 “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs”

step-12

 

BY THE GRACE OF GOD WE ARE UNSHACKLED

unshackled-2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/twelve-steps-and-twelve-traditions

%d bloggers like this: