I sure do appreciate the opportunity to entertain all of you with my rants and raves and plain ole drivel. My creator, LarryPaulBrown, says he is a weary old man who needs a break from all the twaddle that passes as news and all the news that is nothing but twaddle. I asked him what the hell “twaddle” was and he advised me to look it up in the Merriam Webster. Actually what he said was, “Doofus, there’s a dictionary on the desk; use it.”
I’m not sure how long he will be in a bad mood, but, from the looks of the political scene, it could be a long time. Now, as for me, I ain’t the brightest bulb on the string, but I know fer a fact some of them old farts in Washington DC got less sense than my jackass standing yonder in the pasture. Maybe we can talk about it sometime.
You may have read a few of my guest posts over the past few months. What’s that you say? Don’t remember em? Probably just as well. Larry asked me to clean up my act a little bit since his readers is nice, proper folks who don’t appreciate swearing and dirty talk. “Well hell,” I says, “ain’t nothing wrong with a little naughtiness once in a while.” He says he’s gonna keep an eye on me.
So, afore we get started, I thought a cute lil joke would be a good icebreaker.
There was this old farmer who lived alone with his aging daughter. She was none too bright and downright ugly. The farmer was concerned about what would happen to her when he passed on to his glory. So, one day a smiling, horny, vacuum salesman stopped by. The farmer noticed that his daughter was taking a hankering to the handsome man. So, he hatched a plot to trap the salesman into having sex with and then marrying his aging daughter……whaaaaat? You’ve already heard this one? Ok, let’s just move on.
I ain’t no big fan of restaurant eating these days. Especially them fast-food places like McDonalds and Burger King. Ok, so you order a deluxe burger, fries, and a pie. You look at the register and it’s telling you $6.49. Then you say, “and a large Coke, please.” All of a sudden that total is $10.49.
“Miss, I think you made a mistake. $4 for a Coke?”
She looks at ya like you just escaped off the turnip truck, people behind you are grumbling, your wife is fussing and you just tuck tail and fork over $11.00.
“Sir, would you like to donate the change to the Whasahootsitz Childrens’ Fund?”
“Hell no,” I fire back to her and then notice the big bubba standing aside me in a wife-beater shirt glaring down my skinny little shoulders.
“No, miss, but I sure would love to donate $5 to the little angels of Whasahootsitz.”
All’s well that ends well. YessireeBob. Now you might ask, “But, Gabby, what about your wife? You didn’t order anything for her.”
Y’all don’t know my wife. Truthfully, I don’t know her anymore ever since she had that change of life thing. I know now why they call it change of life cause my life has sure as hell changed over the past few months. Just a fussin and bitchin about everything. She don’t want sex then accuses me of having an affair because we don’t have sex anymore. Go figure. And you ask what has that got to do with eating at Burger King?
“Have it your way.” Remember that jingle from years ago? She was in one of her pissy moods, I starting singing “have it your way” and now she won’t eat at Burger King. I don’t get it. C’mon, men have change of life issues too, I mean, let’s get honest. Plumbing don’t work like it used to, more hair growing out of the ears than on top of the head and how about that libido, guys? It don’t go away, it just gets put on the back burner to simmer on and on and on…….and on.
Hey, did ya hear the joke about the old farmer who had a gay bull?