it was a very good year

When I was a little boy and did foolish things, they smiled and called me cute.  young, mature, oldWhen I was thirty-five and did foolish things, they admired and called me adventurous.  Now that I am an old man doing foolish things, they roll their eyes and call me senile.  I just don’t get it.  Make up your mind.

 

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It’s a zoo

Sue and Stu
lost at the zoo,
devilsaid Stu to Sue
“What shall we do,
it’s a very large zoo?”

Frank and Hank,
over by the shark tank,
said Hank to Frank
“Let’s play a prank
on Sue and Stu.”

But Mary and Jerry,
friends of Sue and Stu,
overheard Hank and Frank’s prank
over by the shark tank-
diabolical, evil and rank.
Said Jerry to Mary, “it truly stank.”

So they conspired with a man
whose name was Stan,
a very diminutive man,
and they hatched a plan.
Stan found an empty soup can
and over toward Frank and Hank he ran
“Benny, Benny, get back in your can.”

Behind the shark tank hid Jerry and Mary, Sue and Stu
watching as the little man approached Frank and Hank.
“Hello, may name is Stan and this is my can.”
“Well howdy Stan, I’m Frank, this is Hank, how do you do?”
Sue and Stu, Mary and Jerry watched curiously from behind the tank.
“Gosh, feller,” said Frank, “you sure are a little man.”
“Yes,” said Stan, “but once upon a time I was as tall as you.
I had an important position working in a bank.”
Mary and Jerry, Sue and Stu whispered, “What is Stan’s plan?”

Whaaaaat? Do you really think I know the plan of Stan, the little man?
Heck no, I’m just another man in the zoo.
There isn’t much that I can do.
The rest of this story is up to you.

Why did Sue and Stu get lost in the zoo?
What was the diabolical prank of Hank and Frank?love emoji
Why was Stan with a plan such a little man?
And who the hell is Benny?

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OPINIONATED

Heck no! I’m not opinionated
I am merely rightlaughing emoji3
always.

I’ve spent many days pondering
religion
politics.

sex
women
men.

No, not opinionated
simply always right
seven decades pondering life.

observing
interacting
discerning.

Nope, not opinionated
simply wise
prudent.

Sensible
pragmatic
logical.

Reasonable
rational
perceptive.

You, sir, are opinionated
always thinking you are correct
never admitting fault.

Closed-minded
narrow
conceited.

I, on the other hand, am simply a man who is always right.laughing emoji2

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the doormat

angry emojiI’m sure you have seen innumerable variations of me laying in front of the entry door to your friends’ houses.  We come in all shapes, colors, materials, configurations, and sizes.  Some of us are woven, some are shaggy, some sport a “WELCOME”  in large white letters. I am a luxurious green astro-turf square about 2 feet by 3 feet with a lovely white daisy in the corner.  My well-to-do cousins cover the playing fields in various stadiums.

Yes, my task is to collect the grime and dust off dirty shoes as they enter the house.  Most visitors are considerate enough to wipe several times before crossing the threshold, although a few will step over me in attempts to avoid my purpose in life which is to keep my owner’s sanctuary free of unwanted mud and dirt.  Although just a lowly piece of manufactured green astro-turf, I see and know every one who enters my house.  I am the front door sentinel who extends a welcome and says good-bye.  I am just a doormat.

I recently overheard my owner exclaim excitedly, “What am I, just a doormat?  Do they think I am here for them to walk on?”

I don’t understand it.  I am a proud doormat who provides a  valuable service to everyone who enters the house.  Without me the home’s floors would be filthy.  Without me the soles of visitors’ feet would probably never get cleaned.  Without my lush grassy texture people would miss the massaging action of my fibers.  What’s so wrong with being a doormat?

I guess humans simply don’t like being used as a doormat.  They don’t enjoy being stepped upon and used indiscriminately by selfish visitors.  Being a depository for other people’s dirt, grime, and bad habits doesn’t fulfil their reason for existence on earth.  Humans were not created to be good doormats.

That makes me happy.  It’s job security.  As long as the people in my house place value on their inherent integrity and as long as they maintain a reasonable level of self-esteem and respect, I don’t need to worry that I will be replaced with a talking, moving, thinking human model any time soon.

Next time you visit my house, don’t mistake the owner for me.  He’s the bald-headed guy living inside.  I’m the bright green piece of astro-turf with a daisy laying outside the front door.  I am much prettier.smiley 3

NEWS FROM GABBY GRAYWHISKERS: howdy, howdy

I sure do appreciate the opportunity to entertain all of you with my rants and raves and plain ole drivel.  My creator, LarryPaulBrown, says he is a weary old man who needs a break from all the twaddle that passes as news and all the news that is nothing but twaddle.  I asked him what the hell “twaddle” was and he advised me to look it up in the Merriam Webster.  Actually what he said was, “Doofus, there’s a dictionary on the desk; use it.”

I’m not sure how long he will be in a bad mood, but, from the looks of the political scene, it could be a long time.  Now, as for me, I ain’t the brightest bulb on the string, but I know fer a fact some of them old farts in Washington DC got less sense than my jackass standing yonder in the pasture.  Maybe we can talk about it sometime.

You may have read a few of my guest posts over the past few months.  What’s that you say?  Don’t remember em?  Probably just as well.  Larry asked me to clean up my act a little bit since his readers is nice, proper folks who don’t appreciate swearing and dirty talk.  “Well hell,” I says, “ain’t nothing wrong with a little naughtiness once in a while.”  He says he’s gonna keep an eye on me.

So, afore we get started, I thought a cute lil joke would be a good icebreaker.

There was this old farmer who lived alone with his aging daughter.  She was none too bright and  downright ugly.  The farmer was concerned about what would happen to her when he passed on to his glory.  So, one day a smiling, horny, vacuum salesman stopped by.  The farmer noticed that his daughter was taking a hankering to the handsome man.  So, he hatched a plot to trap the salesman into having sex with and then marrying his aging daughter……whaaaaat?  You’ve already heard this one?  Ok, let’s just move on.

I ain’t no big fan of restaurant eating these days.  Especially them fast-food places like McDonalds and Burger King.  Ok, so you order a deluxe burger, fries, and a pie.  You look at the register and it’s telling you $6.49.  Then you say, “and a large Coke, please.”  All  of a sudden that total is $10.49.

“Miss, I think you made a mistake.  $4 for a Coke?”

She looks at ya like you just escaped off the turnip truck, people behind you are grumbling, your wife is fussing and you just tuck tail and fork over $11.00.

“Sir, would you like to donate the change to the Whasahootsitz Childrens’ Fund?”

“Hell no,” I fire back to her and then notice the big bubba standing aside me in a wife-beater shirt glaring down my skinny little shoulders.

“No, miss, but I sure would love to donate $5 to the little angels of Whasahootsitz.”

All’s well that ends well. YessireeBob.  Now you might ask, “But, Gabby, what about your wife?  You didn’t order anything for her.”

Y’all don’t know my wife.  Truthfully, I don’t know her anymore ever since she had that change of life thing.  I know now why they call it change of life cause my life has sure as hell changed over the past few months.  Just a fussin and bitchin about everything.  She don’t want sex then accuses me of having an affair because we don’t have sex anymore.  Go figure.  And you ask what has that got to do with eating at Burger King?

“Have it your way.”  Remember that jingle from years ago?  She was in one of her pissy moods, I starting singing “have it your way” and now she won’t eat at Burger King.  I don’t get it.  C’mon, men have change of life issues too, I mean, let’s get honest.  Plumbing don’t work like it used to, more hair growing out of the ears than on top of the head and how about that libido, guys?  It don’t go away, it just gets put on the back burner to simmer on and on and on…….and on.

Hey, did ya hear the joke about the old farmer who had a gay bull?

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