“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Most of us had created in the previous life as drunkards our own private drama clubs naming ourselves as President, Vice-President and every other club officer necessary to carry on our business of drama. Additionally, we were the most vocal subscribing member. The meetings were exhausting with inner dialogs that covered every aspect of anger, resentment, disappointment, and insecurity simmering in vehement self-righteousness. Only our hangovers from drinking were more devastating and debilitating.
Are you still a member of your club today? Am I? How often do we spend our sober days reeling with “brain fog” as a result of a dalliance in our drama club? It’s easy to do, but fortunately we now have the tools to immediately withdraw from participation if so desired. And that’s the key, although sometimes we prefer to wallow in whatever satisfaction is derived from being overly dramatic and engaged in club activity.
“When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he can not live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday’s and sometimes today’s excesses of negative emotion – anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.” Bill Wilson, AS BILL SEES IT, pg 48
Using our crutches in these times of emotional discord is not a weakness. With a physical impairment such as a broken leg, crutches are meant to provide stability as we walk. That uncomfortable cast keeps the leg aligned properly as it heals. It’s the same in recovery from alcoholism. The prayers, verses and sayings are meant to give us emotional support as we ambulate through the difficult times healing from the brokenness of our lives.
Sometimes the crutch we dismiss most is the fellow alcoholic whose phone number we have but don’t want to call. Maybe it’s our sponsor who feels honored to have you as a “pigeon”, but we don’t want to be a bother or we don’t want to admit that we are hurting and needy of help. Whatever the reasons are, the end result is a day spent miserably, or worse, a relapse into drinking.
For us, those forays into unnecessary drama can be a matter of life or death. It need not happen. We must gird ourselves with the tools of our program, surround ourselves with sober people, and meditate within our private space.
“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.” STEP 11, ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
“Oh, I can’t do that,” we said, “I don’t know how to meditate.”
Being the alcoholic that I am, I researched meditation and determined I would do meditation perfectly. My first attempt at sitting on the floor cross-legged in lotus position promptly reminded me that my body did not understand the reason for such discomfort, much less did my brain associate this pain with a practice to discover inner awareness.
Just as I found my path to meditative discovery, others have also. I have learned that there are no rules or proper positions. It is the ongoing practice of feeling connected to a Universal source, learning who we are in that realm, and finding peace within the Higher Power of our understanding that we are seeking in meditation. When we are able to allow and then dismiss passing thoughts, positive or negative, and return to contemplation and inner searching, we are accomplishing a serenity that was impossible during our drama club days.