LIFE (in the slow lane)

 

Hey Bubba, just between you and me –

I’m tired of running on just one spark plug.  My timing is off and my belts are slipping.  And don’t even ask me about my fluid levels.  Yeah, this old pile of rust and bolts just wants to retire to the junk yard.

Ever feel that way?  I thought a few days ago that a visit to my private fantasy island, Gonstagos, in the Mediterranean would cure my ills.  A time of communion with the brothers living in the cliff-side caves would restore and replenish.  Nope, nada.

I truly want life to pass by and abandon me to a routine of reading, writing, yoga and meditation.  Sure, a meal once in a while would be nice and a slice of apple pie in the evening.  Of course you can come to visit – let me check my social calendar.  How about the 5th Saturday of next August?  Oh sorry, that’s not good.  I’m having my annual prostate exam.

Perhaps finally as a septuagenarian I have recognized that I am not normal, never have been.  Not shy about social outings, but I don’t seek them.  Not a stick-in-the-mud, but I had fun 2 months ago and I’m still recovering.  No, I’m not set in my ways, but don’t ever put the carving knife in that drawer again.

old codger

They talk about old people becoming reclusive and withdrawn from the world.  Heck, I’ve always been that way.  I don’t like the world.  It’s full of people who don’t agree with my politics, my lifestyle, or my religion and they are unabashed in voicing their differences. Young hoodlums drive by the house with a radio blasting ruining my 2 o’clock nap.  Just no respect for seniors.  And the stray cats in the neighborhood know I’m a cat lover, so they trot over here to my yard and crap in my petunias.  No respect – none at all.

Yeah, just accept that I am a blustery, old codger who loves sitting on the porch shooting spit balls at the stray cats and a middle finger at the noisy hoodlums driving by.  I’m Ok with that, you should be too. Don’t try to refine me or reform me.  Some old folks are just too tired, too ornery and too worn out to care what others think.

Now, having that squared away, I’m going have a healthy Geritol and vinegar cocktail and a salad of fresh kale. Mmmmm-mmmmm.

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on my way

Just another traveler on life’s highway hanging out in the slow lane.  It’s quiet.  It’s peaceful.  Beyond the horizon is rest calling my name.  Green pastures, still waters, my cup is overflowing.

 

My first thoughts this morning were to pack a bag and head to Gonstagos to spend some time with my brothers in the caves of solitude and meditation.  It’s a wonderful fantasy island in the Mediterranean Sea as yet undiscovered by the world and hidden from a crucifying humanity.  The brothers and I dwell in tranquility among the caves of the towering cliffs overlooking the soft blue water surrounding us.  It’s a retreat which I envision more often in today’s world of turmoil and dysfunction.  You could also go if you like.  It’s free and all you need to take on this trip are an open mind and a willingness to surrender. 😎🙏

JOIN ME ?

 

just a mustard seed

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breathe in, breathe out
focus on the flame
it’s the flame of life

 

as I bring the coolness of the air in through my nostrils to the top of my throat,  I marvel at the freshness of this breath before allowing  it to rest upon my lungs for a moment.   then I exhale the warmness of my expended air back through the mouth.  one breath is spent and the next follows.  this is life

 

My focus is on this flame.  As I exhale through my mouth, the flame flutters.  I have altered the movement of a flame with my breath.  So it is with the flame of life.  One breath, one thought, one action alters the stream of eternity.  I have done this.

Faith as small as a mustard seed can remove the mountain of despair, of anger, of fear, of doubt, of addiction just as that one breath moved the course of the flame of life.  Just a tiny mustard seed of faith can move a mountain.  I can do this.  You also can do this.

Faith in the indwelling Spirit, in the inherent goodness of mankind, in the bountiful mercy of God can extinguish our fires of hatred and fear and doubt.  It can alter our eternity.  Let’s do it.

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘ Move from here to there,’ and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.”  Matthew 17:20

CANDLE

 

 

emotional hangovers

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.”orange tree

Most of us had created in the previous life as drunkards our own private drama clubs naming ourselves as President, Vice-President and every other club officer necessary to carry on our business of drama.  Additionally, we were the most vocal subscribing member.  The meetings were exhausting with inner dialogs that covered every aspect of anger, resentment, disappointment, and insecurity simmering in vehement self-righteousness.  Only our hangovers from drinking were more devastating and debilitating.

Are you still a member of your club today?  Am I?  How often do we spend our sober days reeling with “brain fog” as a result of a dalliance in our drama club?  It’s easy to do, but fortunately we now have the tools to immediately withdraw from participation if so desired.  And that’s the key, although sometimes we prefer to wallow in whatever satisfaction is derived from being overly dramatic and engaged in club activity.

“When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he can not live well today.  But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not.  That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday’s and sometimes today’s excesses of negative emotion – anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.”  Bill Wilson, AS BILL SEES IT, pg 48

Using our crutches in these times of emotional discord is not a weakness.  With a physical impairment such as a broken leg, crutches are meant to provide stability as we walk.  That uncomfortable cast keeps the leg aligned properly as it heals.  It’s the same in recovery from alcoholism.  The prayers, verses and sayings are meant to give us emotional support as we ambulate through the difficult times healing from the brokenness of our lives.

Sometimes the crutch we dismiss most is the fellow alcoholic whose phone number we have but don’t want to call.  Maybe it’s our sponsor who feels honored to have you as a “pigeon”, but we don’t want to be a bother or we don’t want to admit that we are hurting and needy of help.  Whatever the reasons are, the end result is a day spent miserably, or worse, a relapse into drinking.

For us, those forays into unnecessary drama can be a matter of life or death.  It need not happen.  We must gird ourselves with the tools of our program, surround ourselves with sober people, and meditate within our private space.

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.”  STEP 11, ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

“Oh, I can’t do that,” we said, “I don’t know how to meditate.”

Being the alcoholic that I am, I researched meditation and determined I would do meditation perfectly.  My first attempt at sitting on the floor cross-legged in lotus position promptly reminded me that my body did not understand the reason for such discomfort, much less did my brain associate this pain with a practice to discover inner awareness.

Just as I found my path to meditative discovery,  others have also.  I have learned that there are no rules or proper positions.  It is the ongoing practice of feeling connected to a Universal source, learning who we are in that realm, and finding peace within the Higher Power of our understanding that we are seeking in meditation.  When we are able to allow and then dismiss passing thoughts, positive or negative, and return to contemplation and inner searching,  we are accomplishing a serenity that was impossible during our drama club days.

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just a glimpse – 05.10.2018

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PERFECTION

Consider the moments when all is just as it should be, when the world seems to be perfect, when a cup of tea is enjoyed quietly empty-headed, when life’s beauty lies peacefully ahead in it’s absolute perfection.  What if those moments are chosen as reality and all else is seen as illusion, a deception, a prelude to pain and suffering?

Removing the demands of self from the center of its personal universe is when eyes can be opened to a Divine Presence.  Hearts swell in communal joys.  Together, when joyful souls engage by pools of cool waters, in fields of green grass and lilies, with blessings of a life lived quietly, there the path of eternity is realized.

Although those moments of peace are sometimes fleeting, they become deeply etched and worthy of devotional pursuit.  Then the pleasures and pains of earthly illusions will pale when compared to a life lived in awe of soulful excursions into truth’s reality.

Just a glimpse –  of the joy and peace which a magnanimous Creator has intended to be enjoyed always in every moment, every word, every thought.

CANDLE

meditation

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“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God……..”  from Step 11 of ” TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, Alcoholics Anonymous

Did we ever meditate when we were drinking or drugging?  Probably not too much.  My meditative thoughts encompassed the vintage of my bottle of wine and whether I had enough to get a good buzz.  Oh sure, sometimes when suffering a debilitating hangover I would meditate on why I was such a weak person unable to control my drinking and enjoy alcohol like my non-alcoholic friends.  That process usually ended with me saying, “Oh, what the hell,” as I headed to the liquor store for the next round of fortification meditating on whether it would  be Colt 45 beer, Cutty Sark scotch or a few bottles of Chablis or all three.

Seriously, for most of us newly sober drunks, meditation was something only the Buddhist monks did while chanting.  It was a new and foreign activity which did not come naturally.  But, we tried, we practiced, and we did not give up until some results were realized.  I learned to appreciate the fleeting peaceful moments and the clarity of thought following 10 minutes of meditation.  I knew that something within was being manifested which I had never known before.  Not sure if it was a God thing or mind manipulation, I nevertheless pursued this newly discovered tool of sobriety because it often countered the insanity and chaos filling my head.

Many years later meditation and prayer are mainstays of sobriety happening sometimes in the quiet of a darkened room, sometimes under a bright blue, sunny sky, often in a straight back chair listening to soothing music such as that of classical masters, and occasionally chanting with the Buddhist monks on YouTube.  I have also done meditative walking.  Now that’s a trip which can transport a person out of this universe within less than a mile of step-ping, step-ping, step-ping.  For me the variety of settings prevents the repetition which can lead to boredom and mental distraction.

I am by no means an expert.  However, when I learn a new habit which enhances my sense of wellness, I try to incorporate that habit into a daily routine.  As with all experiences in sobriety, I pursue spiritual growth rather than perfection.  When I was searching for the “proper” way to meditate, I tried to emulate those whom I saw sitting in lotus position straight-backed and legs crossed.

“Oh no”, my body said, “we cannot sit that way.”

Feet firmly on floor, sitting alert in a straight back chair, with hands opened upward in my lap is my position of choice.  The position is not set in stone.  Other meditative trekkers have different approaches.  For me it is not the body position, the mantras or the music that matters.  It is where we go, God and I, during that time of quietness and introspection.  It is what God and I accomplish during that half hour of communion.  How’s your good heart today?

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